can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i love accidental penises.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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