You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
