My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
