you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
