Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
