i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
