my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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