So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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