i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
