I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Found your dick twin last night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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