i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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