I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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