Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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