dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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