I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
