If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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