well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
