and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
