Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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