i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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