I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
