I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
