I could have mohawked her pubes.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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