It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
