well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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