Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
