you didnt know i had herpes?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
