I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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