did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
