There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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