i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
