The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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