i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
