i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
