I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Randomize
