It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
