I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The uberlube is also flammable
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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