In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So vagazzling was a success
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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