So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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