drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
