I feel great
I just peed on a car
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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