That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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