I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
