I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
