Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
