I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
