Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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