just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
