Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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