remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
