I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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