shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize