I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
