I just cut my nipple shaving
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you didnt know i had herpes?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
