You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
