it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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