life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This is the high leading the old right now
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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