Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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