I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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