I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
