I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize