Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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