there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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